Big Picture Goals

“We talk a lot about poo these days, don't we?” 

My husband said these words to me soon after our eldest son was born. And he was right! From the moment Elliot's bottom released its first contents, we were hooked. The nurse gave us a chart and we diligently monitored, not only the amount, but the colour and consistency of his poo. While I fumbled through those first nappy changes, my husband stood nearby, pen and poo chart in hand, asking those all-important questions: "How full is his nappy? Is this poo more or less green than the last? How runny out of 10?" He would then religiously record my answers on the poo chart. We kept this up for weeks and I remember feeling guilty when we finally gave it up after realising that the energy needed for this hyper-focus on his bowel movements might be better expended elsewhere!

My point is this: from the moment you become a parent, there are SO many things to think about, your newborn's poo being just one of them. Decisions after decisions have to be made and you can quickly feel overwhelmed. As your baby grows and reaches new milestones, you learn all you can about that life stage so that you can be the wonderful parent you always dreamed you'd be. You get advice and guidance from all corners. Sleep issues? Food aversions? Here's a book/blog post/Facebook group that that can help! However, while it can be useful to have answers to our questions at the press of a button, we might end up getting lost in the finer details of child-rearing without focusing on the bigger picture. 

This is why, by the time I had my third baby and was drowning in my attempts to address the complex and varied needs of three small, highly-sensitive children, I decided to do some soul-searching about two broader questions: 'What kind of parent do I wish to be? What kind of children do I wish to raise?' I wanted to focus on my big picture goals even if it came at the expense of a short-term goal.  

My short-term goals are things like getting my children to school on time, or ensuring they eat well at each meal. My big picture goals? To create a nurturing environment where my children feel safe, valued and accepted; where they form strong attachment bonds; where they are given space for their own personality and skills to unfold so they can make authentic choices and figure out their contribution to the world.  

If I scream at them to put their shoes on NOW so we're not late, it interferes with my big picture goal of wanting them to feel safe with me. If I force them to finish all of their plate so they'll have a full tummy, it interferes with my big picture goal of giving them space to make choices. It's not that the short-term goals should not take any of my time, but they needn't be so urgent or all-consuming.

Aware Parenting is one approach that, while offering plenty of specific advice, falls under the umbrella of a parenting approach that very much resonates with me and my big picture goals. It's an approach that helps children to feel seen and heard, safe and loved. Validation with a capital V! Accepting the principles of this caring approach means that my everyday actions are, more often than not, steered by this life-affirming, person-valuing vision. I have learnt to allow my children's tears to flow, not trying to 'solve' their problems but helping them feel their feelings and trust their instincts. I regularly witness the potent effects of laughter, play and music to boost socio-emotional well-being, strengthening my relationship with my children while also helping to release pent-up stress. I make many mistakes along the way, but I am learning to give myself compassion and forgiveness. Why would you be kind to your children but not to yourself?  

So I encourage you, reader, to consider what your big picture goals are and keep them in mind on your parenting journey. Hopefully it'll help you to sweat the small stuff less. And if my enthusiasm for the principles of Aware Parenting rubs off on you, I already see that as a win! I wish you and your family full-bellied laughter, healing tears, and plenty of warm and connecting moments together.